Tuesday, December 7, 2010

When life gives you lemons...

I've heard the saying for most of my life, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." What happens when the world gives you rotten lemons?

I think I understand what it must feel like to be in Limbo. I've never really believed in a Limbo; souls being stuck somewhere, not here nor there, until their unfinished life business is completed. This is where I hang, torn between normalcy and achieving my life's greatest goal. I'm at the point where I don't know when my life business will be completed. It could be tomorrow, a month from now, three months from now, or even ten years from now. I've invested so much time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears into this store of mine. I feel if I turn away now I will have wasted so much of me, and I know I would regret it.

On the other hand, I've sacrificed a normal life to fulfill my dreams. Every guy I've ever wanted to date thinks I'm either insane, or I'm "too much" for them. I've given up close relationships with friends and family members because they don't believe in me so I can't be completely honest with them. And I've given up applying for jobs that can take me somewhere. Instead, I'm stuck at a kiosk...people watching.

Today I saw a friend from Fashion School in the halls of the mall I work at. She came over and we quickly caught up. She was dressed in perfect clothes, had a new perfect job as a visual merchandiser, and was now engaged to her perfect boyfriend. After we said goodbye, I got in my beat up car and cried. I cried for a life never lived, and I cried for a life I was scared never would come.

After that incident all these fears kept crawling in. What if I never fall in love? What if I never open my business? What if I'm stuck in these terrible jobs for the rest of my life? And the scariest question of all...What if I've been wrong this whole time?

I don't know exactly why I'm posting this on my blog. I hope you don't think I'm giving up my dreams, because I'm not. I just feel torn between the known and the unknown, and frankly I don't know which is scarier.

I guess the lesson that will always be learned is under every circumstance you must:

Be Your Own Beautiful