I think I understand what it must feel like to be in Limbo. I've never really believed in a Limbo; souls being stuck somewhere, not here nor there, until their unfinished life business is completed. This is where I hang, torn between normalcy and achieving my life's greatest goal. I'm at the point where I don't know when my life business will be completed. It could be tomorrow, a month from now, three months from now, or even ten years from now. I've invested so much time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears into this store of mine. I feel if I turn away now I will have wasted so much of me, and I know I would regret it.
On the other hand, I've sacrificed a normal life to fulfill my dreams. Every guy I've ever wanted to date thinks I'm either insane, or I'm "too much" for them. I've given up close relationships with friends and family members because they don't believe in me so I can't be completely honest with them. And I've given up applying for jobs that can take me somewhere. Instead, I'm stuck at a kiosk...people watching.
Today I saw a friend from Fashion School in the halls of the mall I work at. She came over and we quickly caught up. She was dressed in perfect clothes, had a new perfect job as a visual merchandiser, and was now engaged to her perfect boyfriend. After we said goodbye, I got in my beat up car and cried. I cried for a life never lived, and I cried for a life I was scared never would come.
After that incident all these fears kept crawling in. What if I never fall in love? What if I never open my business? What if I'm stuck in these terrible jobs for the rest of my life? And the scariest question of all...What if I've been wrong this whole time?
I don't know exactly why I'm posting this on my blog. I hope you don't think I'm giving up my dreams, because I'm not. I just feel torn between the known and the unknown, and frankly I don't know which is scarier.
I guess the lesson that will always be learned is under every circumstance you must:
Be Your Own Beautiful
Liz
Everyone has moments of self doubt where they just don't know if they're in the right place or doing the right thing. Even people who are well established in their careers reach that point.
ReplyDeleteI've never wavered in what I wanted to do. Ever since junior high I've known writing was going to be an important part of my life. And, yet, at times I still find myself questioning if I'm in right profession and doing the right thing. But I persist, and it all works out okay.
I know you well enough to know that you're never going to give up on your dream. Today you feel a little broken, but tomorrow (or if not tomorrow the day after that or even next week) you'll feel better again and be able to continue on your way once again. It's so hard when there's so many unknowns, but I know you can do it. :) Don't let self doubt (or some unfair comparisons with your former classmate) stop you from moving forward. I repeat, I know you can do it!
Liz,
ReplyDeleteI've had some thoughts on the subject of 'rotten lemons' and questioning dreams and I blogged about it. Here's the link:
http://erinsdailydelight.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-delight-in-no-regrets.html
Doubt isn't from God. Don't make life conditional. "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've always imagined." (Henry David Thoreau)
Love you! Let's walk and talk (or just drink hot chocolate) soon! :)
Liz! A job is what you do not who you are! Your relationship status is a bonus to life, but if you can't be happy with where you are now you aren't going to be happier in a relation. As for past male prospects, maybe you need to look for someone a little more comfortable in his own skin. One that isn't afraid to let his help meet have a few successes of her own. Lizzie, since I met you some 12yrs ago, you were quite the confident little girl! Life has thrown you some curves since then but I have always been so amazed at the strength and courage you have taken to become who you are today.
ReplyDeleteLz, your perfect friend is a good actress! No one lives life without trials. Miss Perfect has her flaws as does her perfect job, and her perfect fiancé. Live your dream with an open heart and on bended knee- you can't go wrong!
Stand Tall!