pouring rain, painting clouds, pill popping...point taken

Rain, rain, go away. It's May, for heavens sakes, and its raining...ALL THE TIME! I want sunshine on my shoulder...because it makes me happy. I'm very close to getting in the car and driving to vegas (which I hate vegas) so I can sit by a pool and get completely sunburned (I just don't tan!) and I want to see palm trees and blue skies.

That's enough about the weather (I mean what am I 80?) Speaking of 80, I'm taking an oil painting class and everyone is at least 45 or older. I love the diversity of this group. It's a private class with 3-7 people. Some people are coloring with colored pencils and others are painters. The picture above is what I am painting. It's an abandoned house in Wyoming. However, my clouds are a bit more dark and dreary then this picture. I think I'm doing really good. There's only a few times I've gotten frustrated with my painting. Mainly because the house wasn't cooperating.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and so now I'm on these pills for it. Lucky for me though, I get to experience every single side effect. So I can focus and I get to have: Insomnia, nausea, loss of appetite, migraines (all the time), weakness, and disorientation. Yippee! So I'm getting a new prescription but for the meantime I am slowly coming off of these meds.

Life is going so great right now. I have a great job (sometimes), and I like my classes, and I have a great ward, and life is good.

Hope life is beautiful for you too.

Liz

Random Thoughts

So I got my hair colored today. It looks like Emma Stone's color in Easy A. I almost wish it was just a little bit more red.

Today I'm moving my old bed frame and cutting table so there's room in the second bedroom for the new roommate. This girl was supposed to move in and now she's not sure, which makes me kind of mad seeing as I asked her 2 weeks ago if she wanted to move in and she said she did. Now she's not sure and I have 1 week to find a roommate.

I made new curtains the other night and I'm having a party on Thursday so everyone can come and admire them. If anything it's just an excuse to invite people over. People think I'm crazy when they learn I'm throwing a party for curtains, but I threw a party over buying new bowls a couple of months ago.

I'm in the process of writing a poem for some friends getting married. It's about how they're relationship is like ice cream. Maybe I'll post it sometime. I found this poem I wrote awhile ago. I didn't write it with anyone in mind, but I'm in a phase where I'm sharing my talents. Hope you enjoy, just don't read too much into it...it's just a poem.

Someone to love me

I promise I would be somebody

But I thought that I was not

When someone was there to love me

I pushed them out of thought

I wanted to be somebody

But I don’t know where to start

And I thought I’d love somebody

But all I did was break my heart

When love caught me off guard

I stumbled and lost my way

But love caught me back again

And started all my days

When the sky was dark and lonely

My heart did not share its track

But now I’m in love with someone

And they with love brought me back

To Mom:

I miss the smell of your perfume and the wrinkles on your face

I miss the way you light a room when you walked into the place

I miss the times you let me try my clumsy hand at baking

Or the way that opportunities were yours then, for the taking

I miss your hair, your eyes, your clothes, I even miss your skin

I miss the way you hugged me tight and said that I could win

I miss the times I cried to you I miss the good times too

But most of all I miss your love it always will stay true

And even though I can’t feel you or see you laugh or smile

You’re always there to cheer me on no matter what the trial

So dear mom I hope you know I’ll always miss you, yet--

I know that through the good and bad I love you, don’t forget.

(Just been thinking about her a lot lately. She was the greatest woman I know.)

The Merit Badge

I feel just like an eagle scout earning merit badges of life

Some I get from doing good or some from enduring worldly strife

Our scout master is our loving God who helps us find the way

A life lesson here, a trial there so we’ll all be Eagle Scouts one day

I earn some from the widow by helping her to cross the street

I earn some from the neighbor, being friendly as we meet

Some are earned from broken hearts, a death can earn some more

But you’ll never earn near enough with your feet stoned to the floor

All these badges we earn from life come from Him so great and wise

All the hard times we’re going through are just opportunities in disguise

None are earned from giving up or quitting when it’s tough

But trying hard to do your best, to God it’s good enough

Happiness

I like chocolate chip cookies on rainy days.

I found people don't know what you're wearing when you look them in the eye, but it's what you're wearing that gives you the courage to do so.

I like it when guys open my doors. I'm not incapable it's just nice.

Sometimes your greatest friends will just let you cry. No explanation needed.

Cooking is art for the stomach.

Children's laughs are so contagious.

Sometimes bad situations are usually the funniest.

Love is never outdated.

Be inspirational. To yourself.

Yell at God...He can take it.

Never regret what you have no control over.

Laugh uncontrollably.

Happiness comes from within.

A "mag"nificent life.

I wish life were more like a magazine.

You start with the front cover. You get a great (albeit airbrushed) picture of your best self. You get to live your life forever in the best shape, the best skin, the best outfit, and the best angle of yourself...forever. On top of that fabulous picture, you get to know what is in that magazine...before ever opening it!

Unfortunately, advertisements scream at you the second you open it. The first 20-30 pages is just advertising. Some are quirky and fun, some are more serious but, they are designed to make you pause, ponder, and question. In real life we go down this path of life presented with choices. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, mysterious, sexy...any of these choices we have the ability to choose, just like wanting to buy that one Prada purse on page 23.

Then, you get to the contributors. Magazines always make mention of the photographers or writers who contributed to that months issue. Who are the contributors of your life? Your parents for one, (they did create you after all) your friends, family, co-workers, lovers, that guy who hit your car, that hairdresser who messed up your hair-do, and so on. All of these people play a contributing role in your life, but how many of them get credit for it?

Next we have the human interest stories. Even in fashion magazines you will see a story about someone who did something that saved a person, or animal, or tree, or small country, and you think to yourself "I can do something like that! I can be the kind of person who saves that person, or animal, or tree, or small country!" And it makes you want to get off of your couch and find the nearest volunteer organization and want to spend time saving something, but then you turn the page and a picture of a beautiful model, wearing a perfect dress stares you in the face, and you think "but first I need to buy this dress" or "if I were prettier I could change the world" and you move on.

We now come to the beauty section where there's some new kind of fruit that magically erases wrinkles or diminishes pimples. If life were more like a magazine then this kind of crap they try to sell us could work for everyone no matter the shape, size, income level, or color this person may be. Alas, if only you read the fine print and you will find this particular "magic fruit" is really expensive, or found to only work in asians, or will give you better skin but it makes you gain weight. Sadly, sometimes in magazines it is too good to be true.

Then we move on to 200 pages of the latest fashions and trends. If only life were like a magazine, then I could have 200 new wardrobes and would never have to shop again! Each day would be filled with a never ending stream of new choices, outfits would never have to be repeated, and everything would look magically perfect on every figure. Sigh...if only.

Finally, we come to the back cover. The period at the end of a sentence, the finale of ones life. If only it were that glamourous. I think only celebrities are privileged to be the only people in the world who get glamourous endings. If life were like a magazine it would be the most airbrushed funeral ever attended.

I guess in some ways life is like a magazine. Some parts are better than others. If only we always smelled that good (sample perfume anyone?) If only we always captured the joyous occasions, the best photos, the best outfits, and the best articles. Yet, in a way we do! In our memory bank of a lifetime of events we always seem to capture the best of the best. And we store it away forever and ever, always airbrushed in our minds. So, I guess our own life lessons, memories, and human interest stories can be pulled together to create our own version of our own life's magazine. Smile...you're on the cover!

When life gives you lemons...

I've heard the saying for most of my life, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." What happens when the world gives you rotten lemons?

I think I understand what it must feel like to be in Limbo. I've never really believed in a Limbo; souls being stuck somewhere, not here nor there, until their unfinished life business is completed. This is where I hang, torn between normalcy and achieving my life's greatest goal. I'm at the point where I don't know when my life business will be completed. It could be tomorrow, a month from now, three months from now, or even ten years from now. I've invested so much time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears into this store of mine. I feel if I turn away now I will have wasted so much of me, and I know I would regret it.

On the other hand, I've sacrificed a normal life to fulfill my dreams. Every guy I've ever wanted to date thinks I'm either insane, or I'm "too much" for them. I've given up close relationships with friends and family members because they don't believe in me so I can't be completely honest with them. And I've given up applying for jobs that can take me somewhere. Instead, I'm stuck at a kiosk...people watching.

Today I saw a friend from Fashion School in the halls of the mall I work at. She came over and we quickly caught up. She was dressed in perfect clothes, had a new perfect job as a visual merchandiser, and was now engaged to her perfect boyfriend. After we said goodbye, I got in my beat up car and cried. I cried for a life never lived, and I cried for a life I was scared never would come.

After that incident all these fears kept crawling in. What if I never fall in love? What if I never open my business? What if I'm stuck in these terrible jobs for the rest of my life? And the scariest question of all...What if I've been wrong this whole time?

I don't know exactly why I'm posting this on my blog. I hope you don't think I'm giving up my dreams, because I'm not. I just feel torn between the known and the unknown, and frankly I don't know which is scarier.

I guess the lesson that will always be learned is under every circumstance you must:

Be Your Own Beautiful

Liz