With God (and willpower) all things are possible.

Sometimes I feel Facebook was created for the sole purpose of making me feel completely jealous. I don't know how many times I end up getting frustrated after looking at the wonderful things people are accomplishing: Getting married, having children, going on exciting adventures, getting promoted, falling in love, etc.

I decided I'm too focused on everyone else's accomplishments that I haven't really looked at my own. So, drum roll please, for a list of my accomplishments in the last few months.

* I painted 4 new paintings for a wedding that everyone loved.

* I am training for a triathlon and have managed to stick to my training schedule for a WHOLE WEEK! (A sprint triathlon is NOT an Ironman triathlon. It's 400 yd swim, 12.5 mile bike ride, and a 5K run.)

* I have decided to go off all of my anxiety and anti-everything medication because I want to kick this    thing with my own strength. (The withdrawals are not my favorite but, It's better than taking medication to treat side-effects for another medication.)

* I finished my 10th painting.

* I made a new friend.

* I found an athlete inside of me.

* I have been practicing a new piano piece and I'm getting really good at it (if I do say so myself).

* I have discovered the show The Big Bang Theory and fell in love with it.

* I flirted with a boy (believe you me, it's been a LONG time since I've flirted!)

* I discovered a new hairstyle that I absolutely love.

* I am slightly tanner now than I was in the winter time...slightly.

* I'm finding happiness inside of me and am realizing that I don't always have to be pretending to be happy for people to like me. 

* I'm becoming more confident.

* I was asked to be a "fashion expert" at a "beauty night" put on by my old ward. 

* I started my 11th painting.

Small accomplishments, yes, but they are leading to greater things. 

I also want to thank you for all of your prayers for my happiness and well-being because they are being answered. You have not knelt in vain! 

I a'int dead yet!

After many months, I finally have a diagnoses!  I have conversion disorder (wiki it if you want to know). But being diagnosed was only half the battle. Now, I just need to overcome it.

Last month I moved back to my Dad's house; because holding a job, when my symptoms are so unpredictable, is very difficult. I think I finally adjusted moving back, but I'm still having a hard time not using my beautiful dishes and seeing my wonderful and colorful decorations. If I had only one complaint about moving home is: EVERYTHING IS BEIGE! The plates, the walls, the furniture! Yuck. I'm a color person, the more vibrant the better. However; this solution is better than anything so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

I'm currently subleasing my apartment in Salt Lake and my roommate stayed and someone else will move in. This is the perfect situation because I didn't have to move my furniture and I can move back to my apartment when I start to feel better.

Currently my day consists of scanning my Grandma's pictures and naming them. This is a project my Dad needs done, but doesn't have time to do it himself. He estimated there were around 22,000 pictures and the other day my aunt brought over more. I also have been working on 4 paintings for a wedding. They have an antique theme and I drew AND painted my very first bicycle and it actually looks like one!  You may not care, but I'm stinkin' proud of myself!

A week and a half ago I went to Arches with my good friend Michelle. It just so happened to be over her birthday weekend. While buying ice, prior to leaving Pleasant View, she mentioned it was her birthday weekend and we're going to Arches and a nice sales associate gave her a free Happy Birthday balloon. On our way to Delicate Arch, we tied the balloon to the backpack we were carrying and about 50 people wished her a Happy Birthday.  Once we got to the Arch, I had her open her present (cupcakes with candles) and as she is blowing out the candles, 15 random strangers started singing her a happy birthday! Once the song got to the "Happy Birthday dear _______" there were many different endings. My favorites consisted of "Happy Birthday dear": blonde girl, birthday girl, stranger girl, and my absolute favorite: pink shirt girl. I can't really speak for her but, if it were my birthday, it would have been the best birthday ever. Not to brag or anything, but I throw one heck of a party!

Life is certainly unexpected and I'm learning to just go with the flow instead of fighting my fate. I find it difficult that nothing is going how I planned it to go, but good things will come out of this. "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction". Good! My future is looking better and better then.

Alphabet Soup

I've recently been deemed a shut-in, in my lovely apartment. I had to withdraw from this semester, quit my job (with them enthusiastically holding my spot awaiting for my return), and I had to go to the Clinic...a lot. With all that has been going on, my mind is whirling with the different language that is spoken within the medical profession. And so I bring to you my whirlwind of 3 months entitled: Alphabet Soup.

July: I was taken to the ER due to an anxiety attack that made it quite difficult to breath. They hooked me up to oxygen, gave me Ativan, and gave me an EKG.

August: My left arm, face, and chest went numb. I was taken to the Instacare, but after hearing my symptoms they sent me to the ER (once again). They checked my heart, gave me a CT Scan, found nothing, and sent me home.

September: The numbness and pain were intensifying, but I had to work that night so I went to the Instacare for some pain killers and went to work. Two hours into work, a co-worker found me curled up on the bathroom floor and I was sent home. Within the last couple of weeks I've had 3 MRI's done, countless doctors visits, no answers, and too many days spent at home.

The Physical Medicine doctor hasn't found anything and in October, I go see a Neurologist for an EMG. I have been on 6 different medications within 2 weeks of each other. And I have to do something normal (though painful) everyday or else I find I go crazy! I have "Lizzified" my entire apartment by crafting the crap outta everything! Hopefully, they'll find something in my EMG on Monday because I would surely love to get back to work.

I'm learning how to be dependent on everyone (something I am not used to and quite honestly am having a hard time with it). My roommate is fantastic! She has helped me so much lately. Last night she was a pro, when I woke up to blinding pain and she was so good at keeping me calm and making me feel better...emotionally. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning through all of this, but I'm keeping my chin up (most days) and I'm doing my best to stay positive and focused. I certainly hope that whatever lesson He intends for me to learn, is learned very, very quickly. If not, my entire apartment might just become be-dazzeled very soon!

Who's on First?

With this being the first week of school I thought I would share with you some good and bad firsts of mine.

I remember the first day of kindergarten. I was wearing a faded blue top and my new blue jeans. My hair was perfectly permed, my Sesame Street backpack filled with crayons and paper, and in my arm a roll of paper towels. I remember being very nervous. What if I don't know the answer, will my teacher still call on me? I just barely learned how to spell my name, is she going to require more from me? I don't know anyone, will I ever make friends? Sure enough, my biggest fears were all diminished and I made lots of friends and had a wonderful time.

The first boy I liked is currently on Facebook and has every opportunity to read this so I'm just going to use his initials. In second grade I thought I was in love with K.B. We were partnered up in a play as husband and wife and I thought for sure I would die of happiness. We got to rehearse our lines together, just him and me. The best part was that I knew a few girls who really liked him too and they were all immensely jealous. Sometimes he would look my way, sometimes he would talk to me. I even put his picture in a locket of mine. Oh K.B. you will always hold a special place in my heart for being the first boy I ever thought I loved.

There's many other firsts that have been a great deal of stress for me. My first job was as a car-hop working at Kirt's drive in. My first boss was an &%$@^*, my first date eventually came out of the closet, and my first car accident wasn't that great either. I think my least favorite first was my first time driving a car by myself. I'm pretty sure I almost caused at least 5, no 6 accidents, but I made it home alive...

This week I started a new job and my first day at the U of U. It's going to be tough getting back into a regular study schedule, but I'm sure (with a lot of ice cream) I will manage.

Tonight I had another 2 firsts that brought me great joy and then great sorrow. My friend's Dad was kind enough to send me home with some fresh tomatoes from his garden. I went home immediately and started to make my very first homemade marinara. Oh it was turning out perfectly! Everything was coming together: the noodles and bread were coming out perfect. And then I got side tracked...

Smoke was rising from the oven door, and I gently opened it to find that the bread (covered in olive oil, garlic, and oregano) was on fire. Not just a little, but enough for me to use the fire extinguisher for the FIRST time in my life. I was so disappointed with myself that I burned the bread.

However; there is one good thing that still turned out. I managed to cover the simmering sauce and saved it for a later date.

Moral of the story: come hell and high-water....save the sauce.

I'm grateful for...

Rainstorms

Pandora

Friends with phones

phones

phone chargers

straightners

sunsets

Eating out

paint

sunscreen

chapstick

blankets

netflix

facebook

speed dial

pineapple

fake flowers

real flowers

mini vacations

feeling pretty

comfy shoes

bandaids

a/c

full tank of gas

vanilla coke

anticipation of seeing a friend you haven't seen forever

seeing that friend you haven't seen forever

DayQuil

Claritin

Clothes

Paychecks

doctors

indoor plumbing

britta water filters

good books

chocolate

frosty's

exterminators

cool summer evenings

fall leaves

new beginnings

makeup

flip flops

soft towels

cameras

best friends

laptops

car snacks

water

playing in the water

coats

toothbrush/toothpaste

Loratab

Creativity

Baking

Color

compliments

watching great dancers

magazines

sample perfume

angry chic music

therapy

a listening ear

watermelon

brownies

nail polish

sewing machines

fabric too pretty to use

cardstock

paper

markers

rubber cement

teaching someone

learning something (outside of your field) that makes since

fireplace

having proof

breakfast

full fridge

magic 8 balls

lava lamps

tissues

calamine lotion

happy movies

moving movies

inspirational movies

productive days

teaching yourself something

taking the initiative

inspiration

writing

candles

letters

being silly

Halloween

poetry

memorizing poetry

writing poetry

being right

having your opinion challenged and still being right

Christmas Eve

New Years Eve

never making the recipe before and have it turn out perfect the first time

water fights

picnics

solitude

intimate parties

late night talks

late night movies

late night snacks

sleeping in

waking early to a sunrise

yoga

being a girl (despite it's challenges)

new outfits

old outfits that you redesigned

thrift stores

people asking for your help

being able to help that person

people calling you out of the blue because they were thinking of you

being helped

having people care

lazy days

medication

feeling confident

being confident

children laughing

being able to calm a crying child

great hair days

my ability to find something I like about everyone

my ability to create anything I want

my ability to sing

my ability to nurture

my ability to take nothing and make it something beautiful

my ability to make words mean something

my ability to ease someone's pain

my ability to love

my ability to to sew/cook/clean/write poetry/paint

helping someone without realizing it

mother's

the gospel

the scriptures

blessings

taste buds

finding a new favorite restaurant

tears of joy

finding out what's wrong

anticipation of falling in love

planning

being silly

having someone be silly with you

changing for the better

kicking a bad habit

feeling happy

being happy

stories

having a crush

being asked out

the good times with my family

being taken care of

unexpected visits

a clean house

good role models

cloudy days

sunshine

spontaneous vacations

spontaneous gestures

haircuts

loss, love, and more life lessons!

I refound my love for swimming.

My friend Tammy and I went to the new 7 peaks that opened here in Salt Lake on Saturday. I was going to be so sun smart this time because I always get sunburned. So I applied once, twice, three times (a lady) and was so proud of myself. I get home feeling sunkissed and exhausted. So, after taking a much needed nap, I wake to find a HUGE sunburn on my back. Yes, I did apply sunscreen there, however; it was more of a *squirt* "I think I got my back" sort of thing. No, I did not get it.

I got in my first car accident.

However; this was not my car's first car accident. I was driving on South Temple heading home (east) and as I'm going through 7th east intersection (on a very green light I might add) this car (traveling west and turning left onto 7th east) decides that I must be turning right not straight (it was 11PM) and decides to turn left, right in front of me! So I hit her full on with my car and get the passenger side of her car! My car was completely totaled but, I felt so bad for her. She was 17, driving a 2000 and something Honda Civic and she gets the citation for "failure to yield". She kept apologizing over and over and I kept reassuring her that I am fine, it could be worse, and that car was about to go anyway. Poor thing. (The girl and Betsy, my cute little car). That car has been through 7 drivers in my family, countless trips to Southern Utah (and twice to Yellowstone) and many trips to and from Weber High. It was a very good car.

Right now I'm just trying to figure out the insurance and finding a way to get around. Thankfully I have an amazing ward and a very understanding Dad!

Life Lesson Learned...sometimes "our blessings come through raindrops"

Not enough room...ie.

I will have a roommate come August. As I move things around to make room for her I realize that there was barely room for me! I have a year and a half of a single, roommateless life and I've managed to spread out. So hopefully I will figure things out soon.

Now I'm just looking for a job. I've applied to 14 jobs over the weekend but I'm coming up short.

Went to the Farmer's Market fashion show and ended up helping backstage dressing models. It was good to be back around fashion lovers. I miss the love of fashion that I had, and lost. I feel like I'm getting back into it. I'm now helping with the Live Arts Festival with their fashion show. It's good to be back doing what I love.

Things have been a little tattered in my life lately and I really hope that something comes along to give me that zeal I had for life again.